A Secret

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Do you want to know a secret?


Do you want to know a secret - do you promise not to tell?

If I tell you all about it say you won’t laugh it back to hell!


You see I need a mirror I’m not certain who I am.

So much sorrow overwhelms me un-lived rage makes me a lamb.


My Mother’s pain surrounds me I’m snowed in where I stand.

I can’t muster up the energy to do anything I planned.


But at least I’m going back to where it all began.

To a Mother who couldn’t tell me that she loved me

Or see me as I am.


Do you want to know a secret - do you promise not to tell?

If I tell you all about it say you won’t laugh it back to hell!


I know you were not grown then and now you are you’re far removed.

Your feet have grown too large to step back in tiny shoes.


But I’m so very frightened -I’m terrified - afraid

I’ve been born into a prison that my loved one’s made.


A place where there’s just enough love to stop us going mad.

But not quite enough love to take anything that’s bad.


It’s as though I’m wearing black absorbing everything they feel.

It won’t be very long before I become unreal.


My Father’s fear confounds me - I’m frozen where I stand.

I took it for my own fear but I got it second hand.


But at least I’m going back to where it all began.

To a Father who couldn’t tell me that he loved me

Or see me as I am.


But do you want to know a secret - do you promise not to tell?

If I come back to life say you won’t shoo me back to hell!


You see I’m very very angry - white rage cowers in every sigh.

I’m scared to let it out ‘case all my loved ones die.


We’re a nuclear family an atom that can’t divide.

If we try to make the split we think that no one will survive.


But do you want to know a secret - do you promise not to tell?

If I tell you all about it say you won’t laugh me back to hell!


The truth is like a piece of glass buried deep within the flesh.

Neurosis is a barbed wire fence keeping painful memories repressed.


But everything surfaces one way or another.

And you know you don’t fall apart

When you disentangle from your Father and your Mother!



A SECRET ©  Felicity Buirski 1999.